Something amiss on Birdwell Island/Clifford Conspiracy theories

Okay.. I mentioned a while ago that a certain someone likes Clifford the big red dog.. in book form, tv form, Clifford poetry slam, any Clifford media will do. This means mom and dad end up absorbing a lot of Clifford from various media as well. Rx thinks I obsess about Clifford, this is true. I think Clifford is driving me crazy, I think about him all the time. Despite this I still think something is amiss on Birdwell Island, and I checked it out on the interwebs... turns out that other people have the same idea.

This blog (by a customs lawyer) speculates that the "story book" way Clifford grew up and went to Birdwell Island may not be so innocent. He points out that before Birdwell Island, Emily Elisabeth had other pets as well including two cats and a rabbit... maybe Clifford ate them, maybe they abandoned them.. all I know is they left "the city" (notice how they dont say which city) rather quickly to go to Birdwell Island, and no one ever mentions the other pets again.

This is perhaps the least nefarious Clifford conspiracy theory by the way... read on...

Probably the most common, and most well documented Clifford conspiracy theory is that Clifford is a communist. Some go as far as to say Clifford was created in a lab by Russian scientists, I think this is a little far fetched. There is no way Clifford was made to be a big red pinko propaganda machine, I just think he later became one.

These both are hard to confirm, but I did a little more digging myself and you'll be surprised what I learned...

Birdwell Island has an unusually high amount of "suicides" and "drownings" for a town of ~100 people. Yes, there are also unconfirmed reports of drifters disappearing on Birdwell Island. More than once a mauled body buried in shallow sand has been found by beach combers, only to have sheriff Lewis (who by the way owns T-bone, Clifford's best dog friend) say they got drunk and drowned... He quickly cremates the bodies to destroy any evidence. If they have no family on the island, and they were drunks or "trouble makers" the sheriff's attitude is basically, "they have no business here in the first place." Nice eh? Who's gonna say anything? People are scared shitless as it is. Clifford is a 4 ton eating machine "controlled" by a 2nd grader. Birdwell Island reminds me a lot of Peaksville Ohio in this regard. Adults are terrified of becoming like those "no good" drifters. The population has dropped 30% in the last 5 years. Property values took a nose dive.

Oh yeah, Even if you are not aware of Birdwell Island's secret hobo maulings, you probably soon become aware of the elephant (poop) in the room... where does Clifford poop?, and what poor bastard has to clean it up? This is the subject of many internet theories and even the subject of at least one poem.

My guess is Clifford poops wherever the hell he wants too, and if its on your property, its your responsibility. Go ahead, complain to Sheriff Lewis... see what he says, probably something like.."Clifford is good for tourism; we all have to sacrifice a little for the good of the island... You notice there are a lot less beach bums now too.. you're not a beach bum are you?!?" Don't complain to Mark, Caroline, or Emily Elizabeth Howard however or you might just find your cat's (or child's) mangled bones in the next Clifford pile you have to clean up.



I didn't even mention what happens when he marks his territory... his fire hose stream of urine rips right through vinyl siding, and kills any vegetation it touches... Hell, it even burns through sidewalk concrete. Oh, and if the siding of your house or your fence or porch comes away structurally sound from a Clifford marking, you probably want to burn it down anyway because of the acrid piss stench you will have for about 3 months until it slowly subsides only to have Clifford come and remark it again... It really adds insult to injury too, as everyone knows Clifford owns the island, he doesn't have to piss on everyone's house to make the point. Emily Elizabeth just laughs and eggs him on when he marks, its just sad.